By Stephanie Cardenas
Rialto High School junior Julieana Barragan opens up as she recalls the devastating turning point that caused a drastic change in her life.
Barragan was in fifth grade when her life changed forever. Her father had never been present in her life, and she and her mother always lived together. She was a well-behaved child who got passing grades, but what changed everything was the tragic car accident that her mother got into.
Barragan’s mother became disabled and was bed-bound after the accident, for what she said felt like forever. “I couldn't live with her anymore, so I moved in with my Nino and Nina, but I dreaded every day.” From a very young age, Barragan was already dealing with such strong emotions of isolation, and she found herself slowly sinking deeper into depression.
With a physically absent mother and no father figure, Barragan felt no choice but to keep whatever she went through to herself. She expresses how she was a quiet kid and how it was difficult to live with people who were not her parents. She says, “It tore me apart because all I ever wanted was my mom with me.” Weekends with her mother were dissociating as she kept to herself and sheltered herself from the world.
Barragan became overwhelmed by the challenge of living with her Nino and Nina and expressed, “Even though I know they love me, I know it's not the same love a parent has for their child.” Being surrounded by her family members who would show affection to their kids, she often felt disconnected and genuinely alone.
Barragan shares how, for the longest time, she felt alone and dissociated. “I felt as if I was doing everything by myself.”
Initially, the disconnections and loneliness were overwhelming. She was slowly starting to come to terms with having no father in her life nor having genuine connections, but that was until Barragan found out she had a brother. “A brother that my dad didn’t leave, a brother that my dad loved.”
The discovery of a brother complicated her feelings. It dug deeper into the void that she had. Barragan sighed and said, “I will never like my dad, but I will always have love for him.”
With a mix of feelings, both sadness and acceptance, Barragan turned her pain into passion. After all these years of intense feelings, she realized an important and valuable lesson. “I learned that eventually, everyone has to be there for themselves.”
Barragan decided to come to terms with it all, and she did this by distracting herself with her escape from playing sports. She now puts on a brave face for everyone all of the time. Barragan expresses, “I know what it is like to feel like you have no one, so if I can be that person for others, then I could also look up to myself and be a role model for not only others but myself as well.”
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